WHAT CUSTOMER CARE MEANS.....


Here r some true stories

Technologically Challenged?
The following is an excerpt from an article in the Wall Street
Journal that might make you feel better:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to
"Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the
"Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was
hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be
the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old
diskettes. The customer had stuck labels on the diskettes, then
rolled them into his typewriter to type on the labels.

4. Another customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes. A few days later, a letter arrived from the customer
along with photocopies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised a customer to put his troubled floppy
back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to
hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and
crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the tech
discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it
in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and
water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys
and washing them individually.

8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The
tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid"
responses shouldn't be taken personally.

9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents.
He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find
printer". The user had tried turning the computer screen to face the
printer, but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was
plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed
the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot
pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the
computer's mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq Tech Support to say her brand-new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it
in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen.
When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she
asked, "What Power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support ?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my
warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am.
Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show?"
Caller: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a
promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he
couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been
using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and
snapped it off the drive!

13. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang
for support. " I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to
put in the second disk, and I had some problems with that disk. When
it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in...."
The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1
first.

THE SALARY THEOREM

Every one knows that the salary theorem establishes that

engineers and scientists can NEVER EVER earn as much money

as businessman, salesman,ploitician, and actors easily

make...

This theorem can be demonstrated by reducing it to a simple

mathematical equation:

The equation rests on two posulates::

POSULATE No. 1>

"KNOWLEDGE IS POWER."

POSULATE No. 2>

"TIME IS MONEY"

Given that :

Power= Work/Time

and by corollaries we know;

Knowledge = Power
Time = Money

Therefore we can easily obtain...

Money= Work/Knowledge

So when knowledge goes towards ZERO , Money goes to

INFINITY, Regardless of the value attributed to work, even

if work is very small.

On the contrary, when Knowledge goes towards INFINITY,

Money goes towards ZERO,even if value of work is high.

CONCLUSION: The less you know, the more money you

definately make....

Tough Management Lessons
MANAGEMENT LESSONS

Lesson Number One

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A
small rabbit
saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you
and do nothing all
day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the
rabbit sat on the
ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a
fox appeared,
jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing,
you must be
sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be
able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I
haven't got the energy.
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"
replied the
bull."They're packed with nutrients." The turkey
pecked at a lump of dung
and found that it actually gave him enough strength to
reach the first
branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some
more dung, he reached
the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he
was proudly perched
at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted
by a farmer, who
shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the
top, but it won't
keep you there.

Lesson Number Three

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to
be Boss. The
brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the
whole body's responses
and functions." The feet said, " We should be Boss as
we carry the brain
about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands
said, "We should be
the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the
money." And so it
went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes
until finally the
asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of
the asshole being the
Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself
up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands
clenched, the
feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and
the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be
the boss, so
the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the
work while the boss
just sat and passed out the shit!

Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a
Boss- any asshole
will do.

The Three Wishes

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog told her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get it ten times!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. "The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine".

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack!"

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them!







Attention FEMALE READERS: This is the end of the story for you. Stop here and continue feeling good!



MALE READERS: Please scroll down.



















































































































The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart!

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show!

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!